Preliminary Practices
Yuj means to bind, join or yoke together. It is the etymological root of both our words yoga and justice. If we think of justice as a process that supports us to remember our wholeness and interdependence, even as we face challenge and conflict, we can also see how we might need some do regular practice(s) strengthen ourselves for such a task.
In my experience, restorative practice begins with me when I remember that we are all part of the same web of Life, and I listen and speak and act with that remembrance. This remembrance builds relationship with myself, with others, and with all of Life, including beyond human. It forms the foundation of the ways in which I seek to organize myself and work with others. This takes practice. Here are some that I think are very useful to developing the capacity and resilience to live this way.
Meditation
Amidst the worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings. Meditation is not something that you do. Meditation is a movement into the whole question of our living: how we live, how we behave, whether we have fears, anxieties, sorrows; whether we are everlastingly pursuing pleasure; and whether we have built images about ourselves and about others. ~J. Krishnamurti
An effective meditation practice supports us to see more clearly, to be more present, and to operate from the center of our power. There are a number of activities described as meditation in our world, and I can only speak to what works for me, which is Neelakantha (or Neelam) Meditation. If you'd like more info on this, look here. Also highly useful for me are the offerings of Mattamayura Institute.
Meditation supports me to better show up and be present with the dynamic experience of being with conflict. I like how Alan Watts describes it: "Meditation is the discovery that the point of life is always arrived at in the immediate moment."
Asana
Working with the physical body in asana practice has its place in developing and maintaining good health as well as a capacity for presence, since the deeper part of who we are permeates all of who we are, inlcuding the physical body. As for asana style, I am a fan of learning good alignment first, learn how to coordinate with the breath, and then do flow (vinyasa) once you know what you're doing. Note: Once you practice asana for awhile meditation may become more interesting. I spent about 12 years with asana practice before embarking on regular meditation practice. I don't know if I needed that many years, or if hadn't found the right practice for me, or what, but there we are.
Clearing
As a human, I'm experiencing life through a filter of thoughts and feelings, which can become consciously and unconsciously(!) held energies that bounce back up as interpretations and reactions to my current experience. Believing these samskaras - fixed ideas, judgments, evaluations, diagnoses, etc. - invites subtle (or not so subtle!) violence. If I wish to engage nonviolently, with ahimsa, then taking a look at this and addressing it regularly, and especially before engaging with someone else with whom I'm experiencing conflict, is a really good idea. That way, I'm more "clear" to be with what is happening now - with me and others - so I can show up authentically. Practices that I've worked with that help are meditation, self-empathy, and to some degree actual energy clearing and Focusing. I'm also intrigued by feeding my demons, but have yet to do it (coming soon...)!
Listening
Another practice is learning to listen. It starts with an attitude of curiosity plus keen awareness that I might be holding assumptions and willingness to not let them inform what I (think I) hear. Listening has to do with paying attention to heart and meaning. Listen for that when people speak. Listen for that in yourself. Listen for what isn't said, and for what is said in some way other than words. Seek to understand context. Open to the emergence of meaning.
My most detailed exploration of a listening practice began with Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which offers a decent framework for entry into the matter. Mattamayura Institute weaves this very well as a yogic practice. I also like John Cunningham's approach. Do be careful with it; people don't like it when you "NVC" them. The good news is that if/when they let you know, you get to practice listening some more!
Another related way to pay attention to heart and meaning is considering the affective domain, includes feelings, values, appreciation, enthusiasms, motivations, and attitudes.
Speaking
Next, how to I speak? This has to do with telling the truth when asked. First of all, careful re "truth" - Effective truth (satya) is the truth of experience, not ideas, judgements, evaluations, etc. about you or me - positive or negative. It may also mean saying something when I guess the other person would want to know. Tricky, but a necessary discernment at times. And it may include saying "I don't know," if that's my experience. I'm working on telling the truth to myself first, and to check if it is kind - as in remembering we are all "kin", i.e. in the natural flow of things. I can allow my heart to flow into words when I am in a "kin"dness state of being. And try not to be too scared when I put myself out there like that. NVC can be useful here, too, but watch the formulaic business.
Reflective listening is a combination of Listening as I describe it above, and then saying back to the person what you heard them say, to let them know you got it - if that's called for. This may or may not include their exact words. It doesn't matter as long as you reflect their meaning - which is not necessarily yours! They'll usually let you know (somehow) if you didn't get it! Leave out your analysis, judgments, and good ideas. Also, please measure yourself; sometimes you can communicate without words, or with very few. For more on reflective listening and examples, see Center for Building a Culture of Empathy.
Willingness to Follow
Open to feedback. Notice what happens. Try not to judge it. Or judge your judgment! See what it is and let that inform what's next. Ask for feedback (how did that work)?. Ask for input too (how will this work?). Be curious and willing to follow. This has to do with detachment from outcome.
Empathy
The beginning of divine wisdom is clemency and gentleness, which arise from greatness of soul and the bearing of infirmities.
~St. Isaac of Ninevah, On the Harm of Foolish Zeal that Has the Guise of Being Divine, via gratefulness.org
Last, it does seem that all of the above, cultivates a state of being we might call empathy. The idea is to be "with" people, rather than doing things "to" them or "for" them, or abandoning them altogether. (See the social discipline window.) This involves being connected with affect - sensing how we are all impacted by what is happening. Practice being this way with yourself and others. This can be done - and powerfully so - in silence.
With these foundations, I'm more ready to engage with others restoratively through the day building community and when responding to conflict.
Be guided by your practice and your heart. Let people know you hear them, and remember to express yourself truthfully, too. This way everyone decides together what to do.
In my experience, restorative practice begins with me when I remember that we are all part of the same web of Life, and I listen and speak and act with that remembrance. This remembrance builds relationship with myself, with others, and with all of Life, including beyond human. It forms the foundation of the ways in which I seek to organize myself and work with others. This takes practice. Here are some that I think are very useful to developing the capacity and resilience to live this way.
Meditation
Amidst the worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings. Meditation is not something that you do. Meditation is a movement into the whole question of our living: how we live, how we behave, whether we have fears, anxieties, sorrows; whether we are everlastingly pursuing pleasure; and whether we have built images about ourselves and about others. ~J. Krishnamurti
An effective meditation practice supports us to see more clearly, to be more present, and to operate from the center of our power. There are a number of activities described as meditation in our world, and I can only speak to what works for me, which is Neelakantha (or Neelam) Meditation. If you'd like more info on this, look here. Also highly useful for me are the offerings of Mattamayura Institute.
Meditation supports me to better show up and be present with the dynamic experience of being with conflict. I like how Alan Watts describes it: "Meditation is the discovery that the point of life is always arrived at in the immediate moment."
Asana
Working with the physical body in asana practice has its place in developing and maintaining good health as well as a capacity for presence, since the deeper part of who we are permeates all of who we are, inlcuding the physical body. As for asana style, I am a fan of learning good alignment first, learn how to coordinate with the breath, and then do flow (vinyasa) once you know what you're doing. Note: Once you practice asana for awhile meditation may become more interesting. I spent about 12 years with asana practice before embarking on regular meditation practice. I don't know if I needed that many years, or if hadn't found the right practice for me, or what, but there we are.
Clearing
As a human, I'm experiencing life through a filter of thoughts and feelings, which can become consciously and unconsciously(!) held energies that bounce back up as interpretations and reactions to my current experience. Believing these samskaras - fixed ideas, judgments, evaluations, diagnoses, etc. - invites subtle (or not so subtle!) violence. If I wish to engage nonviolently, with ahimsa, then taking a look at this and addressing it regularly, and especially before engaging with someone else with whom I'm experiencing conflict, is a really good idea. That way, I'm more "clear" to be with what is happening now - with me and others - so I can show up authentically. Practices that I've worked with that help are meditation, self-empathy, and to some degree actual energy clearing and Focusing. I'm also intrigued by feeding my demons, but have yet to do it (coming soon...)!
Listening
Another practice is learning to listen. It starts with an attitude of curiosity plus keen awareness that I might be holding assumptions and willingness to not let them inform what I (think I) hear. Listening has to do with paying attention to heart and meaning. Listen for that when people speak. Listen for that in yourself. Listen for what isn't said, and for what is said in some way other than words. Seek to understand context. Open to the emergence of meaning.
- Words are like nets -- we hope they'll cover what we mean, but we know they can't possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder.
- - Jodi Picoult -
My most detailed exploration of a listening practice began with Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which offers a decent framework for entry into the matter. Mattamayura Institute weaves this very well as a yogic practice. I also like John Cunningham's approach. Do be careful with it; people don't like it when you "NVC" them. The good news is that if/when they let you know, you get to practice listening some more!
Another related way to pay attention to heart and meaning is considering the affective domain, includes feelings, values, appreciation, enthusiasms, motivations, and attitudes.
Speaking
Next, how to I speak? This has to do with telling the truth when asked. First of all, careful re "truth" - Effective truth (satya) is the truth of experience, not ideas, judgements, evaluations, etc. about you or me - positive or negative. It may also mean saying something when I guess the other person would want to know. Tricky, but a necessary discernment at times. And it may include saying "I don't know," if that's my experience. I'm working on telling the truth to myself first, and to check if it is kind - as in remembering we are all "kin", i.e. in the natural flow of things. I can allow my heart to flow into words when I am in a "kin"dness state of being. And try not to be too scared when I put myself out there like that. NVC can be useful here, too, but watch the formulaic business.
Reflective listening is a combination of Listening as I describe it above, and then saying back to the person what you heard them say, to let them know you got it - if that's called for. This may or may not include their exact words. It doesn't matter as long as you reflect their meaning - which is not necessarily yours! They'll usually let you know (somehow) if you didn't get it! Leave out your analysis, judgments, and good ideas. Also, please measure yourself; sometimes you can communicate without words, or with very few. For more on reflective listening and examples, see Center for Building a Culture of Empathy.
Willingness to Follow
Open to feedback. Notice what happens. Try not to judge it. Or judge your judgment! See what it is and let that inform what's next. Ask for feedback (how did that work)?. Ask for input too (how will this work?). Be curious and willing to follow. This has to do with detachment from outcome.
Empathy
The beginning of divine wisdom is clemency and gentleness, which arise from greatness of soul and the bearing of infirmities.
~St. Isaac of Ninevah, On the Harm of Foolish Zeal that Has the Guise of Being Divine, via gratefulness.org
Last, it does seem that all of the above, cultivates a state of being we might call empathy. The idea is to be "with" people, rather than doing things "to" them or "for" them, or abandoning them altogether. (See the social discipline window.) This involves being connected with affect - sensing how we are all impacted by what is happening. Practice being this way with yourself and others. This can be done - and powerfully so - in silence.
With these foundations, I'm more ready to engage with others restoratively through the day building community and when responding to conflict.
Be guided by your practice and your heart. Let people know you hear them, and remember to express yourself truthfully, too. This way everyone decides together what to do.
